


Quizzy Rascals

by GhostofBambi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emails, F/M, Texting, texting fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23993836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostofBambi/pseuds/GhostofBambi
Summary: Hi-jinks ensue when James Potter's regular trivia night hangout accidentally sends him a prize that was meant for somebody else.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 88
Kudos: 651





	Quizzy Rascals

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot is based on a conversation that Bee and I had over the phone on Saturday night/various events from our lives. I'd like you to all read Lily's recap of what happened to her chicken and rice and feel exceptionally sorry for her, and by her, I mean me (with the minor difference that I am a very good cook) because this really happened to me right before I called Bee and I'm still distraught about it.
> 
> Please enjoy this oneshot that is literally about nothing whatsoever, but has been tremendous fun to write.

**From:** Francesca.Vescovi@sozzledswanbar.co.uk  
 **To:** carelesswhiska@gmail.com  
 **Sent:** Thursday, July 11th, 2019, 8:43 p.m.

 **Subject:** Sozzled Swan Trivia Winners

Hi Lily,

Congratulations, you and your team **The Quizzy Bennets** came in first place on Wednesday's **Agatha Quiztie Murder Mystery** trivia night, with a score of 58 out of a possible 70 points!

Enclosed with this email is your promised prize, a voucher for a free two-course dinner for four plus a bottle of wine at Etoile Brasserie on Regent Street. To redeem, please print the voucher and take it to the restaurant with you, or present it to your server on your phone.

Still itching to flex your general knowledge muscles? The Sozzled Swan's weekly trivia night takes place every Wednesday from 7 to 9 p.m. Check out our upcoming themed events!

 **31 July:** Breaststroke of Genius — Summer Olympics Trivia  
 **21 August:** Game of No Phones Allowed — Game of Thrones trivia  
 **11 September:** Les Quizerables — All About Musicals!

And more to be announced!

Thank you for your continued support. We hope to see you again soon!

Regards,

Fran Vescovi  
Bar Manager, The Sozzled Swan Bar & Grill

*****

**From:** carelesswhiska@gmail.com  
 **To:** Francesca.Vescovi@sozzledswanbar.co.uk  
 **Sent:** Friday. July 12th, 2019, 9:06 a.m.

 **Subject:** RE: Sozzled Swan Trivia Winners

hi fran,

sorry about this, but i think you've sent that voucher to the wrong person. this is james potter, my team is called we're sirius sluts for trivia (i didn't choose the name) and we came third on wednesday so we've already had our free drink each. just wanted to let you know in case the quizzy bennets are wondering where their prize is.

thanks,

james

*****

**From:** Francesca.Vescovi@sozzledswanbar.co.uk  
 **To:** carelesswhiska@gmail.com  
 **Sent:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 9:06 a.m.

 **Subject:** RE: RE: Sozzled Swan Trivia Winners

**Auto-Response:** I am now on annual leave until 28th July 2019, and will attend to your email upon my return.

Regards,

Fran Vescovi  
Bar Manager, The Sozzled Swan Bar & Grill

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 9:58 a.m.

 **Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** you will NEVER guess what just happened

 **Sirius Black:** I'm not guessing, just tell me.

 **James Potter:** got an email from the trivia place, they accidentally sent me the voucher that lily's team won on wednesday  
she must have taken the wrong email address from their team list or whatever  
so now i have her voucher?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
tried emailing the bar back but got the manager's out of office

 **Sirius Black:** Is that for the new French place on Regent Street?

 **James Potter:** urgh  
yes  
she deserves so much better than french food

 **Sirius Black:** Commonly considered some of the world's best cuisine, but whatever.  
Pete says the food's good there, I'll book a table.

 **James Potter:** what?

 **Sirius Black:** What?

 **James Potter:** you can't just book a table you charlatan  
obviously i have to find a way to contact her and give it back???  
we can't steal her prize, sirius  
did your parents never teach you manners??

 _Sirius Black is typing_ _  
_  
 **James Potter:** don't answer that i know they didn't

 **Sirius Black:** What was the point in telling me any of this if we weren't going to use the voucher?

 **James Potter:** for help and advice?

 **Sirius Black:** I'm going back to bed.

 **James Potter:** it's 10 in the bloody morning

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 12:46 p.m.

 **Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** remus

 **Remus Lupin:** What?

 **James Potter:** problem  
i have a problem

 **Remus Lupin:** I also have a problem.

 **James Potter:** is your problem me?

 **Remus Lupin:** My problem is that I want to be a good friend and humour you, but I don't want to read another fifty texts about The Sims.

 **James Potter:** it's not about the sims!  
i am kicking that addiction  
down to three hours a day  
although speaking of the sims i got the pets expansion and made a sims version of algernon and that one doesn't give a shit about me either

 **Remus Lupin:** There is a week left until the end of term and I have fifteen minutes before the kids are back from lunch, so as you can imagine, I'm a bit swamped at the moment.  
Shit or get off the pot.

 **James Potter:** right right okay no need to be rude  
i'm going to ask you something that is going to sound creepy and make you think i'm a stalker so i just want to preface by saying that i am neither

 **Remus Lupin:** Ah, yes. Because just saying something automatically makes it true.

 **James Potter:** when have you ever known me to be a creep or a stalker???

 **Remus Lupin:** Remind me again, what's the name of your Sims wife?  
It must have slipped my mind.

 **James Potter:** that's not really relevant

 **Remus Lupin:** You said "creepy" and "stalker" and I am supposed to assume that it's not about Lily?

 **James Potter:** i said not relevant as in the sims has nothing to do with my request

 **Remus Lupin:** Would you say you're more obsessed with her, or with The Sims?  
I suppose it doesn't matter, now that you've found a way to combine the two.

 **James Potter:** i thought you were very busy and had no time to talk???

 **Remus Lupin:** I always have time to laugh at you.  
Tell me, how often are you two WooHooing?

 **James Potter:** fuck off

 **Remus Lupin:** Didn't you install a content pack because it had her hairstyle?

 **James Potter:** it doesn't matter, i'm not asking you now  
thanks for nothing  
NOTHING  
i hope ALL of your kids fail their upcoming exams

 **Remus Lupin:** They already took their exams.

 **James Potter:** NOTHING

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 3:38 p.m.

 **Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** alright i'm back but only because i had nobody else to ask

 **Remus Lupin:** Hahahaha

 **James Potter:** shut up shut up SHUT UP  
and once again, i need to reiterate that i am not a creepy stalker but require this information as a matter of practicality

 **Remus Lupin:** I'm sure.

 **James Potter:** do you have lily's phone number?  
or her email address  
her email address would do

 **Remus Lupin:** Oh, thank god.  
I was worried that this request might involve an invasion of privacy, but I see now that I was wrong.

 **James Potter:** i'm not being creepy!  
obviously this request involves you asking beatrice to ask her permission to share it

 **Remus Lupin:** Of course you aren't.

 **James Potter:** for your information, i got an email from the sozzled swan this morning with the voucher SHE won on wednesday night, obviously they sent it to the wrong email address and the manager had her out of office on when i emailed back so i need a way to get it to her

 **Remus Lupin:** Why don't you forward it to me and I'll see that Beatrice gets it?

_James Potter is typing_

**Remus Lupin:** She's staying at mine tonight, so it would be no trouble.

_James Potter is typing_

**Remus Lupin:** Consider it my apology for laughing at you earlier.

_James Potter is typing_

**Remus Lupin:** I'll just give you some time to think of an excuse.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 3:57 p.m.

 **Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** i prefer to take responsibility for my own problems actually

 **Remus Lupin:** That only took fifteen minutes.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 8:09 p.m.

 **Members:** Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans

**================================**

**Beatrice Booth:** Babe

 **Lily Evans:** Honey.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Remus just asked me if he can have your number to give to one of his mates from his trivia team because Fran emailed him our prize by mistake and now she's on hols apparently???

 **Lily Evans:** Yeah, she's visiting her grandparents on the Amalfi Coast.  
Flew out this morning.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Will I tell him you'll text her and get it directly?

 **Lily Evans:** I don't really want to bother her while she's with her family.  
Just let him give James my number.

 **Beatrice Booth:** How'd you know she sent it to James?

 **Lily Evans:** Haha, was it him she sent it to?  
Lucky guess, I suppose.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Hmm

 **Lily Evans:** Honestly, I can never remember the other one's name.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Hmmmmm

 **Lily Evans:** Serious?  
Simian?  
It's anyone's guess.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Hmmmmmmmm  
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

 **Lily Evans:** Oh, don't YOU fucking judge me.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 8:13 p.m.

 **Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

**================================**

**Remus Lupin:** 07561 084351

 **James Potter:** i love you

 **Remus Lupin:** Please don't say that to her.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Started on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 9:11 p.m.

 **Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** hey, is this lily?  
(of the quizzie bennets, not idk, of the valley)

 **Lily Evans:** Hello, and yes it is.  
Is this James and/or the other one with the weird name I can't remember?

 **James Potter:** sirius?

 **Lily Evans:** That's the one!  
My original guesses were Serious and Simian, so I'm going to go right ahead and consider that a victory.

 **James Potter:** this is james  
the better looking one, if you can't tell us apart  
and sirius is actually a bit of a primate so it was a decent guess  
no wonder you won on wednesday

 **Lily Evans:** We won on Wednesday because there were no sports questions and we slot (tragically) right into the horrific gender stereotype of girls knowing nothing about sports.  
Except for Mary who ONLY knows things about Motocross racing, so even then we're basically screwed.

 **James Potter:** to be honest  
i'd consider an encyclopedic knowledge of fictional detectives and crime serials more valuable than, say  
knowing the name of every wimbledon winner since 1968

 **Lily Evans:** Do you know the name of every Wimbledon winner since 1968?

 **James Potter:** i might

 **Lily Evans:** Obviously I agree with you re: detectives vs tennis, but I'm still going to need you to explain why mine is better.

 **James Potter:** i mean  
at least your thing might come in handy if you're on a leisurely cruise of the nile and one of your small party of guests is murdered

 **Lily Evans:** HAHA

 **James Potter:** you've already got the tools to solve it because aggie has taught you how to sleuth

 **Lily Evans:** There's a compliment in there somewhere and I'll take it.  
Although a real murder is probably a lot different to a Poirot murder, so I don't know how useful my little grey cells would be.

 **James Potter:** right  
but i am talking about the specific kind of murder that only happens around poirot  
and even if not you'd still get further than me  
what am i gonna do, accuse steffi graf?

 **Lily Evans:** LMAO  
Poor Steffi Graf!

 **James Potter:** what did she ever do to deserve that?

 **Lily Evans:** Planned the murder of a wealthy heiress, apparently.

 **James Potter:** tbh the heiress stole steffi's boyfriend so there's reason behind her motive  
i hope you're enjoying my many references to the one poirot special i've seen on tv

 **Lily Evans:** Honestly? You've seen one of the better ones.  
I know everyone's got a boner for Murder on the Orient Express but I think it's a bit overrated.  
In other news, I've just this moment discovered that I might be an Agatha Christie hipster.

 **James Potter:** "i liked murder BEFORE it was cool!"

 **Lily Evans:** "I can't solve this crime without a flat white and purely decorative spectacles!"

 **James Potter:** mine, i will have you know, are 100% prescription

 **Lily Evans:** Hot.

 **James Potter:** nothing like myopia to make the ladies swoon  
sometimes i find, when i'm batting away hoards of lusty women, that taking off my glasses seems to make them disperse

 **Lily Evans:** I find the same thing happens with lusty men, except substitute "taking off my glasses" with "stating absolutely anything with confidence."

 **James Potter:** see, yours is definitely true and i don't know if that makes it funnier or more depressing

 **Lily Evans:** Let's go funnier. I'm in a good mood today.

 **James Potter:** you'll be in an even better mood when you see what i've got in my inbox  
a statement i instantly regret

 **Lily Evans:** Oh my god.  
I literally just choked on my tea laughing.

 **James Potter:** i'll try again  
this time without the unintentionally aggressive innuendo  
hi there  
i think i have something that belongs to you

 **Lily Evans:** I heard something to that effect recently, yes.  
It's so weird that she sent it to you instead of me!

 **James Potter:** i know!  
it's not like our names are even remotely similar  
maybe they were next to each other on a list or something?

 **Lily Evans:** Bizarre.  
Anyway.  
You can forward it on to me if you like. My email is lily.evans@liliesandbees.co.uk  
It's my work email but that's the one I check the most.

 **James Potter:** cool, will do

 **Lily Evans:** Thank you for letting me know!

 **James Potter:** no problem!

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 9:24 p.m.

 **Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

**================================**

**Remus Lupin:** How did it go?

 **James Potter:** HYPERVENTILATING

 **Remus Lupin:** That tracks.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 9:24 p.m.

 **Members:** Lily Evans, Francesca Vescovi

**================================**

**Lily Evans:** It worked!!!!!!  
It worked it worked it worked it worrrrrrrrrrrked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Thank you!!!!!!!

 **Francesca Vescovi:** Yay!!!! Did he email you?

 **Lily Evans:** Not yet, but he asked Remus to ask Beatrice for my number and now we're texting.  
TEXTING.  
Fran.  
FRAN.  
WE'RE TEXTING AND IT IS NOT AWKWARD.

 **Francesca Vescovi:** Lol, you're so cute and Machiavellian

 **Lily Evans:** I am, it's true.  
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
For the compliment and for enabling my needlessly complicated schemes.

 **Francesca Vescovi:** No problem sweetie  
Can I turn off my out-of-office now?

 **Lily Evans:** Yes yes it's fine!  
When are you actually flying out?

 **Francesca Vescovi:** Tuesday afternoon  
And don't you dare ask me for a souvenir  
You've already had your present

*****

**From:** carelesswhiska@gmail.com  
 **To:** lily.evans@liliesandbees.co.uk  
 **Sent:** July 12th, 2019, 10:04 p.m.

 **Subject:** FW: Sozzled Swan Trivia Winners

attached: one voucher, totally unscathed (i made steffi graf keep her mitts off)

\- james (potter)

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Friday, July 12th, 2019, 10:16 p.m.

 **Members:** Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans

**================================**

**Lily Evans:** Question for you.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Was I left out of some sort of scheme?  
Apparently I was

 **Lily Evans:** You would have told Remus!  
Instantly. You would have told him instantly.  
The National Inquirer can hold a secret for longer than you!

 **Beatrice Booth:** Whatever, you're not forgiven for telling FRAN and not telling me

 **Lily Evans:** Noooooo, help me with my scheme!

 **Beatrice Booth:** Ooooooh  
I forgive you  
Go

 **Lily Evans:** Okay, so there's no way to say this and not sound like the crazy ex girlfriend meme, but could you ask Remus what kind of stuff James is into?

 **Beatrice Booth:** Oh rly?

 **Lily Evans:** I didn't phrase that well.  
I meant "into" in a general sense, as in "what are his likes and dislikes so that I can slyly slip one into the conversation," not "what are his sexual proclivities?"  
Unless he's got any that are huge red flags.  
I'd rather not waste my time if he's really into, like, piss.

 **Beatrice Booth:** LOL you're so weird

 **Lily Evans:** Just ask him, would you?

 **Beatrice Booth:** Lololololol fine  
But we are using that voucher on Monday night  
That's the payoff for my assistance

 **Lily Evans:** YES fine whatever just DO IT

 **Beatrice Booth:** Hang on you strange horny bitch  
Remus says he likes football

 **Lily Evans:** Right, because I can definitely discuss football with him at length.  
I'm sure I'd really dazzle with my insightful musings on how the man goes kicky kicky and the ball goes into the back of the net.  
Could you ask Remus for something else? Something I can talk about?  
I'm not pretending to like something I don't care about to impress a boy.  
I'm not Helena fucking Hodge.

 **Beatrice Booth:** To be fair  
She really committed to that mountain biking thing

 **Lily Evans:** Until the third concussion.

 **Beatrice Booth:** But she never had helmet hair! Not once!

 **Lily Evans:** She sacrificed a chunk of her own skull for the sake of vanity and we should absolutely not respect that.

 **Beatrice Booth:** LOL  
Ok, here's what I got from Remus  
He's 26  
An Aries  
Keeps his middle name a closely guarded secret

 **Lily Evans:** What????

 **Beatrice Booth:** His hair "just looks like that"  
He's a sous chef  
Politically left leaning  
Freakish sexual proclivities: none that Remus is aware of, but he's is not the best source for that info  
Specific things he likes that you also like: James Bond movies, Greg Daniels/Dan Goor/Mike Schur TV shows, popular music of the 80s and 90s, cats  
Dislikes: France, and all who shield the French from scrutiny

 **Lily Evans:** Oh my goddddddddddddddddddd

 **Beatrice Booth:** LOL a sous chef who hates France

 **Lily Evans:** I don't care, he can hate France all over me if he wants to. 

**Beatrice Booth:** But not piss

 **Lily Evans:** I'm not a degenerate, Beatrice. Please.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Lol, so what's your plan?  
Gimme all the details

 **Lily Evans:** Bye.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Saturday, July 13th, 2019, 9:48 a.m.

 **Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

**================================**

**Lily Evans:** Morning!

 **James Potter:** morning!

 **Lily Evans:** Got the voucher, thank you! We've booked a table for Monday night!

 **James Potter:** did you get the voucher?  
haha  
snap

 **Lily Evans:** Does that mean one of us is jinxed?

 **James Potter:** probably, but how would either of us know if we were?

 **Lily Evans:** I think the official rules state that one of us has to say "jinx" for the other to be officially jinxed.  
Also, jinx.  
You owe me a Coke, Jim.  
Of course, given that I've jinxed you from a distance, I will allow you to talk now provided that Coke makes its way into my hands at a later date.

 **James Potter:** lol, you like the office?

 **Lily Evans:** I mean, is it Brooklyn Nine Nine or Parks and Rec?  
No.  
Will it do in a pinch?  
Sure.  
Can your name be shortened to Jim, allowing for a joke that hits on two levels, and was that the deciding factor at play here?  
I'll leave that to you to decide.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Saturday, July 13th, 2019, 9:52 a.m.

 **Members:** Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans

**================================**

**Lily Evans:** I am.  
A genius.  
A smooth genius, don't @ me.

 **Beatrice Booth:** What?  
Do you even know what that means?

 **Lily Evans:** I'll talk to you when you get home, stop bothering me.

 **Beatrice Booth:** I don't like this new side of you

 **Lily Evans:** Bye.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Saturday, July 13th, 2019, 9:52 a.m.

 **Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** i think she just flirted with me  
remus  
remus  
i think she just flirted with me REMUS

 **Remus Lupin:** Did she also Confess Attraction and Ask If Single?

 **James Potter:** fuck off

 **Remus Lupin:** It doesn't count as flirting if you had to left-click on her to make it happen.

 **James Potter:** i'm talking about REAL flirting!  
with the REAL lily who is at this moment texting me on my REAL phone  
she indicated that we were jim and pam from the office, remus  
JIM AND PAM

 **Remus Lupin:** *Tim and Dawn.

 **James Potter:** i know what you're doing and i won't respond to it, not when i am in crisis  
what do i do now????

 **Remus Lupin:** Flirt back.

 **James Potter:** i don't know how

 **Remus Lupin:** Yes, you do.  
I've witnessed you do it before.  
You have an inexplicable gift for charming women that modern science can't account for.

 **James Potter:** other women aren't THIS woman, remus

 **Remus Lupin:** She's not the sun, James.

 **James Potter:** how do you know that for sure?

 **Remus Lupin:** Because last time I checked, she was a person, not a blistering hot sphere of gas.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Saturday, July 13th, 2019, 9:59 a.m.

 **Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** suppose i owe you a coke on wednesday, pamela

 **Lily Evans:** Yes, I suppose you do.

 **James Potter:** it's a steep price to pay, but worth it to be able to speak  
otherwise i'd be depriving people of the sound of my voice and then where would we be?

 **Lily Evans:** In dire circumstances.

 **James Potter:** also  
important question  
parks and rec vs brooklyn 99  
you get to take one with you to an uninhabited island, which is it and why?

 **Lily Evans:** Wow.  
I didn't know I'd be getting a free Coke AND Sophie's choice with this conversation.

 **James Potter:** look, i ask the tough questions that the people want answers to  
getting to the real nitty gritty of it all  
like that grey haired guy from american telly

 **Lily Evans:** Jon Stewart?

 **James Potter:** the other one

 **Lily Evans:** Anderson Cooper?

 **James Potter:** honestly, i'm not sure which is which, but one of them or a much much handsomer john oliver  
anyway the island awaits, so what's your answer?

 **Lily Evans:** I mean, it's a difficult one to call.  
Brooklyn Nine Nine has all of the characters in Brooklyn Nine Nine.  
But Parks and Rec has all of the characters in Parks and Rec.  
And I mean, do I want to live in a world where I'm forced to choose between Jake and Leslie? Between Amy and Ben? Between Madeline Wuntch and Perd Hapley? 

**James Potter:** the story of THIS choice between two television shows is  
you can chose one television show, or the other

 **Lily Evans:** LOL  
Which one would you pick?

 **James Potter:** i mean they're both amazing, but b99

 **Lily Evans:** Why?

 **James Potter:** because i am jake  
in my soul

 **Lily Evans:** I thought you were Jon Stewart, Anderson Cooper or a much much handsomer John Oliver?

 **James Potter:** right, but mostly i'm jake  
proof: we have the same initials  
we're both boyishly charming  
i have a cat named algernon and he has a mouse named algernon

 **Lily Evans:** You named your cat after his desk mouse?

 **James Potter:** no, he named his desk mouse after my cat  
my cat came first, he has seniority  
plus, i could have been a wisecracking cop if my mum hadn't said i wasn't allowed

 **Lily Evans:** Lol, your mum imposed a ban on joining the police?

 **James Potter:** nah, it was the wisecracking she had a problem with

 **Lily Evans:** Hahaha oh my god.  
So basically, if I've got this all straight, you'd want to be stranded on an uninhabited island...with a fictionalised version of yourself?

 **James Potter:** i know i'm good company

 **Lily Evans:** To be fair, I think B99 has more episodes, which will be good for passing the time as we slowly starve to death.

 **James Potter:** you mean *as we build an escape raft and/or i fashion myself a coconut bikini

 **Lily Evans:** In what situation are we being stranded on an island with nothing but a sitcom for company?  
What kind of white bread pirates are these?

 **James Potter:** modern hipster pirates

 **Lily Evans:** So...pirates who only became pirates so they could finally have a real reason to wear boat shoes?

 **James Potter:** and because the facial hair options were abundant

 **Lily Evans:** They trawl the seas in search of new lands to gentrify. 

**James Potter:** and thrift shops that aren't too pedestrian

 **Lily Evans:** taking vsco instagram shots of the boundless shimmering horizon

 **James Potter:** welcoming the onset of scurvy because it's "a real human experience"

 **Lily Evans:** Their parents will pay for extensive cosmetic dental work later, it's fine.

 **James Potter:** we're really going in hard on hipsters, aren't we?

 **Lily Evans:** They're an easy target to gleefully lampoon without actually offending anyone.

 **James Potter:** you're really cool

 **Lily Evans:** I know, thank you.

 **James Potter:** in a totally upfront, witty, trivia-winning, non-hipster kind of way

 **Lily Evans:** So are you, in a totally upfront, witty, trivia-third-placing, non-hipster, Jake Peralta kind of way?

 **James Potter:** that's literally the best compliment i've ever gotten

 **Lily Evans:** It's nice to finally talk to you properly instead of trading trivia trash talk from across tables.  
Remind me to thank Bea and Remus for shagging, thus providing us with a natural segue.

 **James Potter:** and fran, for not knowing how to distinguish between email addresses

 **Lily Evans:** Pour one out for Fran.

 **James Potter:** maybe the six of us should band together and form a new team on wednesday

 **Lily Evans:** After I've had my Coke.

 **James Potter:** naturally  
i reckon we'd be unbeatable

 **Lily Evans:** I reckon we would, actually.

 **James Potter:** and winning every week is definitely my only motivation here  
i am definitely not in any way concerned with getting rid of the team name sirius picked for us

 **Lily Evans:** I was wondering about that.  
Tell me, are you serious sluts for trivia or Sirius sluts for trivia?  
Enquiring minds want to know.

 **James Potter:** i am neither, excuse me  
and deeply ashamed of that team name  
but i was outvoted

 **Lily Evans:** We could definitely think of a new team name if we merged.  
I'm leaning towards Fran, You Cunning, Pliable, Chestnut-Haired Sunfish.

 **James Potter:** omg

 **Lily Evans:** I know.

 **James Potter:** that's an amazing name

 **Lily Evans:** And on that note, I think I'm slightly more of a Parks and Rec person.  
Slightly.  
Ben's sexy bedhead in the claymation episode swung it for me.

 **James Potter:** i see

 **Lily Evans:** So which one do we end up bringing to the island?

 **James Potter:** whichever one you want, i'm wide open

 **Lily Evans:** Title of your sex tape.

 **James Potter:** lololololol

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Sunday, July 14th, 2019, 1:36 a.m.

 **Members:** Beatrice Booth, Lily Evans

**================================**

**Beatrice Booth:** Since when are you up at this time?

 **Lily Evans:** What?

 **Beatrice Booth:** You've been giggling away in there all night like you've sat on a running dryer for the first time in your life

 **Lily Evans:** That's not me, that's a poltergeist.  
I've been fast asleep for hours.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Are you two still texting?

 **Lily Evans:** Okay, I'll admit it.  
It's me.  
I'm the poltergeist.  
Lily is asleep.  
I'm just using her phone to check Vine.

 **Beatrice Booth:** LOL Vine's not even a thing anymore you grandmother.

 **Lily Evans:** My physical body died many moons ago, okay?  
I can't be expected to keep up.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Tell your sous chef I said hello

 **Lily Evans:** Tell him yourself.

 **Beatrice Booth:** Herp derp

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Sunday, July 14th, 2019, 11:01 a.m.

 **Members:** Remus Lupin, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** she's amazing  
amazing, remus  
AMAZING  
i'm learning so many things about her that i didn't know before  
she has always wanted to go to greece  
ever since she saw hercules  
remus, I AM HALF-GREEK

 **Remus Lupin:** I'm aware.

 **James Potter:** it's a sign  
you know what else is a sign? her mum is irish and ALL of my favourite wrestlers are irish  
do you think that's why she looks like a beautiful mythical forest nymph??  
did you know that in ireland, you call soft drinks "minerals?"  
she taught me that  
did you know that ireland has a theme park based on CRISPS? she said we can go there one day  
did you know that she started a stage school for kids with nothing but her boundless wits and some savings?

 **Remus Lupin:** And my girlfriend. **  
**She started it WITH my girlfriend.

 **James Potter:** i think i love her  
now that i'm getting to know her, i mean

 **Remus Lupin:** You said that the first time you ever saw her and it was as premature then as it is now.

 **James Potter:** i was young then

 **Remus Lupin:** Three months ago.

 **James Potter:** and?

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Sunday, July 14th, 2019, 1:33 p.m.

 **Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** and ANOTHER thing

 **Lily Evans:** My god.

 **James Potter:** <http://www.leprechaunmuseum.ie/>[  
](http://www.leprechaunmuseum.ie/)what is this  
because it looks to me like a LEPRECHAUN MUSEUM that you neglected to tell me about

 **Lily Evans:** Okay, first of all, THEY'RE NOT REAL.

 **James Potter:** "ooh, james, we can do the viking splash tour!" when there's a LEPRECHAUN MUSEUM AVAILABLE????!

 **Lily Evans:** The Viking Splash tour is COOL, okay?  
It's a bus that TURNS INTO A BOAT and they give you viking helmets and you get to shout at the people sitting outside the Starbucks on Dawson Street and it's FUN.  
What does the leprechaun museum have besides giant furniture?

 **James Potter:** uhm, GIANT FURNITURE?

 **Lily Evans:** So the ghost bus, the viking tour, the aquapark, the zoo, and the theme park that is LITERALLY based on crisps isn't enough?  
We have to go to the leprechaun museum?

 **James Potter:** i just want to have the full irish experience, lily  
but you're only half irish so i guess it makes sense that you can't embrace leprechauns

 **Lily Evans:** WOW

 **James Potter:** who never did anything wrong and are magical

 **Lily Evans:** Right, and I suppose you run around smashing plates at the restaurant and shouting "Opa!" all day?

 **James Potter:** er, NO, because we're a business and we have to think of our overheads???  
did you know that the dublin zoo once let redheads in for free during orangutan week?

 **Lily Evans:** Oh, you be very careful.  
I will NOT hesitate to cross the aquapark off our list and replace it with a boring educational tour.

 **James Potter:** you'll only be hurting yourself

 **Lily Evans:** I'll cancel your bloody "heritage trip" to Becky Lynch's hometown.  
I'll refuse to take you to Phoenix Park and see the deer.

 **James Potter:** you can't take becky away!  
you can't take the DEER away!!!!!!!!!!!?????

 **Lily Evans:** I will not hesitate to take the deer away.

 **James Potter:** i wasn't even comparing you to the orangutan!!!  
just sharing a fun fact!

 **Lily Evans:** Weren't you?

 **James Potter:** no!!  
you are a human woman and orangutans are apes!

 **Lily Evans:** Hmm.

 **James Potter:** a *stunningly beautiful human woman  
which should have been clear to you this whole time  
happy now?

 **Lily Evans:** You didn't mention my dazzling wit.

 **James Potter:** well, how am i meant to think straight when you're taking the deer away from me?  
honestly evans, i'm upset

 **Lily Evans:** I'm sure you are.

 **James Potter:** no, deeply  
deeply upset  
shaken, really  
the poor deer  
denied the chance to meet me???? when they did nothing wrong?  
i think i'll be upset about this all day  
i think there'll be no fixing this  
unless...

 **Lily Evans:** You are an absolute charlatan, Potter.

 **James Potter:** perhaps a trip to the leprechaun museum...

 **Lily Evans:** That's it.  
The deer are gone.

 **James Potter:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Monday, July 15th, 2019, 3:20 p.m.

 **Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** enjoy your fancy victory meal tonight

 **Lily Evans:** I intend to, thank you!

 **James Potter:** fair warning, though  
no matter how good it is  
it can in no way prepare you for the REAL main event

 **Lily Evans:** The Coke you're buying me on Wednesday?

 **James Potter:** what else?

 **Lily Evans:** I'm very excited for that Coke.

 **James Potter:** maybe it'll come in a glass bottle  
maybe there'll be a colourful straw  
or a glass on the side, full of ice

 **Lily Evans:** I can barely contain myself, honestly.

 **James Potter:** maybe i'll throw in a packet of bacon fries  
who knows  
there's no telling where this journey will end

 **Lily Evans:** Stop, my heart is RACING.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Tuesday, July 16th, 2019, 12:17 p.m.

 **Members:** Lily Evans, Mary Macdonald

**================================**

**Mary Macdonald:** Have you said anything to him about last night?

 **Lily Evans:** Nope.

 **Mary Macdonald:** Has Bea?

 **Lily Evans:** I asked her not to mention it to Remus, so she'll probably hold off until at least she sees him in person.

 **Mary Macdonald:** So you're just going to let him get away with it?

 **Lily Evans:** What am I supposed to do, punish him?  
If I call him out on it, he gets the satisfaction of knowing that I'm bothered, and I'm not doing that.  
He can sit there and speculate and laugh about it to himself for all I care.  
I hope he enjoys himself.

 **Mary Macdonald:** It's so weird. I really thought he fancied you.

 **Lily Evans:** Yeah, so did I.  
Reality's harsh.

 **Mary Macdonald:** You were planning your imaginary wedding to this bloke, like, yesterday.

 **Lily Evans:** Imaginary plans can change.

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Tuesday, July 16th, 2019, 7:02 p.m.

 **Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

**================================**

**Lily Evans:** Hey.

 **James Potter:** oh hey  
how was dinner last night?

 **Lily Evans:** Right off the bat. Wow.  
Really?

 **James Potter:** ???

 **Lily Evans:** Look, I honestly wasn't going to stoop to saying anything and I kind of hate myself for even sending this text, but it's not going to stop bothering me until I do.

 **James Potter:** i'm confused

 **Lily Evans:** I know you used the voucher after you sent it to me.

 **James Potter:** ...what????

 **Lily Evans:** And I don't know if you were hoping that they wouldn't notice and we'd both get a free meal out of it, or if this was some stupid attempt at a prank, but either way I have NO idea why you'd do something like that because I THOUGHT we were getting along and that you liked me and it was beyond shitty of you to do it.

 **James Potter:** what?????????????????

 **Lily Evans:** We went to the restaurant last night and they said the voucher was used on Sunday.

 **James Potter:** ………no!!!!?????????!

 **Lily Evans:** Seriously, James?

 **James Potter:** i didn't use it!!!

 **Lily Evans:** Because Mary asked the host point-blank if somebody named James Potter had made the booking and the host said you did, which honestly seems like a massive data protection breach on their part, but that's not my primary concern right now.  
Although it probably should be yours.

 **James Potter:** i definitely did not use that voucher!  
at all!

 **Lily Evans:** Right.

 **James Potter:** for any reason!

 **Lily Evans:** What do you get out of a joke like that?  
One where you weren't even there to see it happen?  
Just to fill you in, because lord knows I'd hate to see an effort wasted, the waiter clearly thought we were trying to get a free meal for the second night in a row, the manager was called over and everyone at the surrounding tables got to have a good giggle at our expense.

 **James Potter:** it wasn't a joke, i promise!  
or maybe it was somebody else's joke, but not mine!  
also  
ALSO  
even if i was the type of person to do something like this which i am NOT, you couldn't get me within ten feet of a french restaurant because the french are smug lying bastards and i won't pay them the respect of eating their food  
ask remus if you don't believe me!  
and there's no chance that i was drugged and taken there against my will because i remember sunday night perfectly

 **Lily Evans:** What do they lie about?

 **James Potter:** what?

 **Lily Evans:** What do the French lie about?

 **James Potter:** that's hardly relevant right now, is it?

 **Lily Evans:** Why bring it up if it's hardly relevant?

 **James Potter:** to emphasise my hatred of france!

 **Lily Evans:** With an example you're not willing to back up?

 **James Potter:** the example comes from a childhood trauma that i don't feel emotionally capable of discussing given the current circumstances aka my impugned honour  
^ that sounds really facetious but i'm not trying to be  
i didn't use the voucher  
i swear on my life

 **Lily Evans:** So you're saying that somebody hacked your email, took the voucher, booked a table in your name and then actually went and used it?

 **James Potter:** ……  
yes  
oh my god  
that's exactly what i'm saying

 **Lily Evans:** What?

 **James Potter:** that absolute bastard!!!!!

 **Lily Evans:** Again, what?

 **James Potter:** not you!  
you're not a bastard at all!  
i think i know what happened, hang on a sec  
i mean, hang on a sec please  
only if you want to  
i'll sort this out, i swear!

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Tuesday, July 16th, 2019, 7:19 p.m.

 **Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** DID YOU HACK MY EMAIL?????????

 **Sirius Black:** Which time?

 **James Potter:** i'm dead serious  
DEAD fucking serious  
did you do it?

 **Sirius Black:** Why are you asking me this?

 **James Potter:** because  
i emailed lily her voucher a few days ago and she and her mates went to the restaurant last night for dinner and they told her i'd already been in and used it but i would NEVER so it MUST have been you

 **Sirius Black:** Why MUST it have been me?  
That's pretty fucking presumptuous of you.

 **James Potter:** well who am i supposed to suspect of hacking me, steffi graf?

 **Sirius Black:** What the fuck?

 **James Potter:** it's funny if you get the context  
look i'm not fucking around, did you hack my email?

 **Sirius Black:** I'm even going to dignify this with a fucking response.

*****

**Instagram post: July 16th, 2019, 7:29 p.m.**

**@fyodoraboutit** Sunday night dinner at Etoile Brasserie, food was incredible, thanks **@carelesswhiska** for the voucher

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Tuesday, July 16th, 2019, 7:31 p.m.

 **Members:** Sirius Black, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** YOU FUCKING ASSHPAIOSJGAWEGHIWERHPOWRKHSFRDHPMSDFNB WHSYT YTH?? THE FUCK?????  
i hate you  
HATE  
you  
SPAFF BUCKET  
BETRAYER  
WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?

 **Sirius Black:** Because it was funny.

 **James Potter:** WHY?  
IT'S NOT FUNNY SHE THINKS I STOLE FROM HER YOU PRICK

 **Sirius Black:** It was a web security lesson, you dumb slut.  
Your password for everything is Alg3rnon!99

 **James Potter:** well NOT ANYMORE JUDAS  
WHO DID YOU EVEN GO WITH???  
IT WAS A DINNER FOR FOUR  
YOU HAVE THREE FRIENDS TOTAL AND I'M ONE OF THEM

*****

**Private WhatsApp Chat**

**Resumed on:** Tuesday, July 16th, 2019, 7:39 p.m.

 **Members:** Lily Evans, James Potter

**================================**

**James Potter:** it was sirius who hacked my emails, and i have proof

**Lily Evans:** WOW

 **James Potter:** i know, he's a sneaky, lying, french-food loving prick  
and in a much broader sense, a prick

 **Lily Evans:** No, I meant WOW, you really do need a lesson in internet security.  
And to put your phone on charge, my GOD.

 **James Potter:** so the fact that i was blatantly hacked doesn't concern you?

 **Lily Evans:** Yes it does, because you keep GIVING PEOPLE INCLUDING ME your password?

 **James Potter:** firstly, i've already changed my email password

 **Lily Evans:** To what? Alg3rnon!999?

 **James Potter:** wow

 **Lily Evans:** He said it was your password for everything, not just your email.

 **James Potter:** and i'll get to everything eventually, lily, but there are other concerns on the table right now  
such as my reputation as a good man who doesn't steal restaurant vouchers from women  
anyway, what are you gonna do, be the second person to steal my identity in a week?  
because maybe i'm an idealistic idiot, but you seem too decent to do that

 **Lily Evans:** Of course I'm not going to do that.  
Please charge your phone.  
I've got secondhand anxiety just thinking about it.

 **James Potter:** first, are you going to forgive me for the voucher?

 **Lily Evans:** You don't need my forgiveness, you did nothing wrong.  
In fact, I'm the one who needs to apologise to you for assuming you had anything to do with it.

 **James Potter:** oh  
i thought you'd be angry for longer

 **Lily Evans:** Why?

 **James Potter:** been conditioned to expect it, i guess?

 **Lily Evans:** You've just shown me proof that it wasn't your fault.

 **James Potter:** yeah, but the original evidence was pretty damning  
even poirot would have been fooled

 **Lily Evans:** First of all, Poirot would NEVER.  
Secondly… it kind of sounds like you want me to be angry?

 **James Potter:** no i don't!  
it's just, idk, weird to see a person immediately admit to being wrong

 **Lily Evans:** Well, it's something I've had to work on, if that helps. It's not a natural impulse to be like, yeah, my bad.  
But it's not like I wanted you to have done it, either.  
Anyway, I'm really sorry. I should have heard you out before having a go at you.  
I normally would have, honestly, it's just that last night was really embarrassing and I've had a crap day today that only got worse when I got home, so I haven't been in the world's best mood.

 **James Potter:** i get it  
i've been having a shitty evening too

 **Lily Evans:** Work was just one problem after another, and then I stupidly, optimistically thought that I could improve my situation by cooking myself dinner.  
Which, by the way, was a ridiculous idea because I'm a terrible cook.  
Not a bad cook, not a shitty cook, but an "I should be permanently banned from the kitchen" TERRIBLE, HORRENDOUS cook.  
But I had a recipe for this hoisin chicken stir fry with rice and I thought okay, I'm an independent, self-sufficient woman, I can do this if I just try, right?

 **James Potter:** right

 **Lily Evans:** So anyway, I got all of the ingredients ready, chopped them nicely and washed everything and followed the instructions like my life depended on it.  
Which I never do!  
Because I am the most easily distracted cook in the world!  
Considering the abundant amount of focus I am able to apply to other areas of my life, it shouldn't be possible that I'm an easily distracted cook, AND YET!  
But I was DETERMINED and I was going to SUCCEED and then I DID, the sauce tasted great when I tested it and the chicken wasn't pink in the middle and it smelled really good, so I put it all in a bowl and took it out of the kitchen and. IMMEDIATELY. Dropped it on the carpet.

 **James Potter:** oh, shit

 **Lily Evans:** So now I've just spent the past ten minutes picking wet, sticky rice out of the carpet, my dinner is ruined and I'd rather prise out my own fingernails than make myself something else.  
So.

_James Potter is typing_

**Lily Evans:** That's my rant for the day over.  
I'm sorry. Again.  
What happened to you?

 **James Potter:** what do you mean?

 **Lily Evans:** You said you were also having a shitty evening?

 **James Potter:** oh  
that was nothing  
i mean, not NOTHING, my wife died

 **Lily Evans:** WHAT?

 **James Potter:** on the sims

 **Lily Evans:** Oh my god.

 **James Potter:** in hindsight, that was a terrible place to break off that sentence

 **Lily Evans:** No omg, I love you for saying it like that, that's the first proper laugh I've had all day.  
I mean, I'm deeply sorry for your tragic loss, obviously.

 **James Potter:** obviously

 **Lily Evans:** How did she die?

 **James Potter:** ironically  
set herself on fire using the oven

 **Lily Evans:** LOOOLLLLL, your wife is me.

 **James Potter:** hahahaha

 **Lily Evans:** Do you have a save file that you can recover?

 **James Potter:** oh, yeah, i already did that  
but i've kind of built my personality around dramatising minor incidents 

**Lily Evans:** Like dropping your hoisin chicken rice on the carpet?

 **James Potter:** or like going to paris with your parents and feeling so betrayed by the fact that there isn't a hunchback in the notre dame cathedral that you immediately form a lifelong hatred of france?

 **Lily Evans:** WAS THAT THE CHILDHOOD TRAUMA?

 **James Potter:** it was very upsetting at the time, okay?  
disney and/or victor hugo lied to me

 **Lily Evans:** Probably because you won't charge your phone!

 **James Potter:** for your information, i put it on charge ten minutes ago!

 **Lily Evans:** And never told me???!

 **James Potter:** i was more concerned with making sure you didn't hate me!

 **Lily Evans:** Well, I don't!

 **James Potter:** good!  
but you still missed out on a free meal because of me and my lax personal security and i feel really bad about that so i still want to apologise!

 **Lily Evans:** You don't have to apologise!  
Although your friend does, for being a prick.

 **James Potter:** he's a good person really, he's just… not very good at showing it?  
pranking's like his love language  
and tbh i sort of deserved it for previous pranks committed against him but YOU didn't  
so it's on me to make up for that  
how much did the dinner cost?

 **Lily Evans:** I'm not letting you pay for our dinner, you silly sausage.  
None of us went bankrupt as a result, I promise.

 **James Potter:** i am a wise bacon strip and i want to pay  
or at least provide you with food  
somehow  
i'd offer you all of what i'm cooking but distance kind of precludes that

 **Lily Evans:** What are you cooking?

 **James Potter:** pasta  
well, i'm making pasta, then i'll cook it

 **Lily Evans:** What kind of pasta?

 **James Potter:** gnocchi

 **Lily Evans:** And you're making it right now?

 **James Potter:** potatoes are boiling, yeah

 **Lily Evans:** Forgive me for asking this because I know nothing about cooking and you, obviously, know a lot.  
But if you made the pasta over there, would it keep until you cooked it somewhere else?

 **James Potter:** what do you mean?

 **Lily Evans:** I mean, like, here.  
If you cooked it over here.

 **James Potter:** over here like...there?  
where you are?

 **Lily Evans:** My flat, yeah.

 **James Potter:** with you there?

 **Lily Evans:** No, I'm going out, but my kitchen window looks over a really charming alley full of bins and dodgy street art from teenage Banksy wannabes, so I thought you'd enjoy the change of scenery.  
Yes, with me here.

 **James Potter:** is this for real?

 **Lily Evans:** Yes.  
It's not an unfounded revenge plot or anything. I'd like you to come over.  
I can't offer you any delicious, chef-prepared food to tempt you, but I have half a tub of ice cream, nice wine, a really comfortable sofa and an interesting stain in the carpet that we could possibly pretend is a Rorschach test if we squint.  
Plus, Bea's staying with Remus tonight so it'll be quiet.  
I don't know if that sells it enough for you but that's all I've got at the moment.

 **James Potter:** i mean  
yeah  
obviously i'd love to come over

 **Lily Evans:** With your gnocchi.

 **James Potter:** with my gnocchi  
though if i have wine i won't be able to drive home

 **Lily Evans:** I know.

 **James Potter:** you know?  
so, wait  
oh

 **Lily Evans:** Oh.

 **James Potter:** OH  
so you, like…???  
and i, also  
right  
right  
so all of that stuff with the coke and pam and jim??  
that was just

 **Lily Evans:** Hey, Peralta?

 **James Potter:** yeah?

 **Lily Evans:** Noooooooooo, try again.  
Hey, Peralta?

 **James Potter:** yes....  
santiago?

 **Lily Evans:** There you go.

 **James Potter:** there i go

 **Lily Evans:** A) I really fancy you.  
B) Would you like to come over and bring your phone charger with you, you Android-using weirdo?

 **James Potter:** a) i really fancy you too  
b) yes  
oh my god yes

 **Lily Evans:** Would you like some wine when you get here?

 **James Potter:** abso-fucking-lutely  
with cherries on top  
and gnocchi  
as much gnocchi as you want

 **Lily Evans:** Wonderful.

 **James Potter:** amazing

 **Lily Evans:** Brilliant.

 **James Potter:** cool  
coolcoolcoolcoolcool

**Author's Note:**

> The foodie photos are mine, in case anyone's worried about theft ;D


End file.
